it's been a while

One thing I've learnt and realised the past months and year is that—life will be so much happier if I stopped relying on others for emotional support.

For someone like me, this is gonna be so difficult. Sigh.

-

On a lighter note, thank God for the nicest people He has placed around me—people who I'm close and those whom I'm not so close to. No matter big or small, significant or not so, they've been a blessing in my life. They're the reason why I keep doing the things I do without feeling judged nor restricted and also why despite the heavy emotions I feel from time to time, I fall asleep every night believing tomorrow will be a better day.

gibberish

Times when I'm home alone and when I actually woke up early without the help of any alarms nor any agendas for the day gives me a lot of time and mood for self-reflection. This is when I start to think back about all the events and things that have happened in my life and then I evaluate whether the decisions I made was a good or a bad one.

If someone can step into my head for a short moment now I think they would be confused. Because I am confused. If I can put into words all that tangled up thoughts and emotions, I would. And slowly unwind them all. I think I'm speaking in literature now because behind these words are a lot of underlying thoughts and feelings which I cannot even decipher myself.

I wish I know what I should do now and actually be disciplined enough to not give in, to my emotions—or anything.

I should just drown myself with work.

And I need food too.


Perhaps the bottom line is that I feel like I'm putting too much expectations upon myself ugh.

Oh my I'm so sleepy

Need this right now

and probably some shopping too

It's almost the end of 2014!!! 

This year is probably on the top of the list for being the year full of emotional roller coaster rides that eventually ended up in a wreck but I guess when things are already so bad, anything that happens after can only be better things. 

Here's to a better 2015! 

-pops champagne-

Acceptance

The world is so much bigger than the issues we face—and I need to keep reminding this to myself.

Feeling comforted by all the better things that are happening outside my life and very, very thankful for the rainy weather these few days. Helped me to calm down a lot, feel peace, and think positive thoughts. (Don't judge me, I don't think rainy days are emo days)

I'm still far from being completely alright, but I'm getting there; no more one step forward and two steps back.

Here's to a better future ahead.

Help

All the memories came flooding in. Teach me how to get over you :(

Return of the ants

Half a year (or so) back, Sera and I uncovered this ant nest in our room and then subsequently dug out the remaining nests that were around my house. Seriously, it was like some ant buster shit we were doing for a few days. After the majority (I hoped) of the ants were cleared, our tables became very much ant-free and I could resume consuming sweetened drinks and food in my room without worrying about it being contaminated by ants.

I thought that was it, until they came back again. This time I have no idea where their nest is and all I've been doing is killing them with my fingertips and sticking them on tapes.
WHERE DO THEY COME FROM.

But despite me ranting, you have no idea how bad I feel whenever I kill them. If possible I would rather leave them alone and let them mind their stuffs, cause you know, they're constantly working and surviving hard for the rest of their colony.. but then I wouldn't want to sleep in an ant-infested room either. It's such a dilemma really, but thank God for pest-(or rather, ant) controlling sera who never fails to be heartless to them tiny creatures. Although it would be a separate case when it comes to anything else she deems as insect—basically all insects, reptiles, amphibians, arachnids, mollusks and the rest of all invertebrates.

Foreboding?

I woke up to a really satisfying and a slightly worrying dream where I rescued 8 dogs, more than 20 hamsters, and various other animals that came individually. In my dream I had to find ways to keep the hamsters in the way I rescued them (according to the hamsters that belonged to the boxes where I found them) such that they will not fight among each other. Which then I found this very huge tray with a good enough depth, and I also found some dividers to divide the tray into smaller units to house the hamsters. Looking for small containers as food trays was a little difficult because we don't want the water to be contaminated with the bedding and stuff. 

Then I've to find beddings for the dogs (ah they were sooo cute), and find spots in the house with ample space for them to play and roam around in. Potty training them wasn't as tough as I thought it would be because they're all puppies and a little reserved when I rescued them, some were even trained to pee on newspapers. When I brought some down for a walk, I realised I forgot to leash them but for some reasons they were following me (like how Joy would), and I thought that was really intelligent of these dogs.

All was good until I've to change the bedding for the hamster tray and I've no idea how or where I can put them aside while everything was replaced; and when more than half of the dogs didn't like bathing. Imagine everytime I've to bathe every single one of them I would end up being more drenched than the dogs themselves. 

The dream ended abruptly as I realised how much work it is to keep 8 dogs and 2 dozens hamsters and the rest of the animals which I haven't even had the chance to do anything for them in the dream. I woke up feeling all fuzzy abd warm at the thought and experience of being around these animals but then recalling that taking care of them all is equivalent to taking care of tens of babies (where in my opinion, I honestly still prefer to take care of pets than to take care of babies, though it doesn't mean that I don't want to have kids).

Although if it happens in real life, unless I'm living alone, my mum would never allow me bring home this many animals; the house probably does not have that much space to house them all either. 

But nevertheless I will never leave these precious lives alone if I do see them around.

Somedays I feel like drifting away in bliss

Weak-hearted but I'm still trying

I guess there's more to life than what it seems on the surface of what we actually see and feel at that point in time. I've been feeling wayyyy under the past week and it doesn't seem like it will get better anytime soon. What's more, exam is coming and life goes on—activities that never seemed to end (which is a blessing I'd say), the days go by with every completion of a certain responsibility—even though a huge portion of my days pass by with depressing emotions, it came as a revelation to me that perhaps there are some things that I just have to let go, no matter how much significance it has to me.
People come and go, and it doesn't really matter if some were meant to stay or disappear in our lives. What's important is that whoever these people may be, they are/were people we've made memories with and that is what I will treasure for the rest of my life.

I am still in the same state as I was since that day, but today, I will start learning to accept the circumstances as it already is and treasure what I have in my hands now, because we never know if things are going to stay the same tomorrow.

People enter into our lives for a reason greater than what we may actually think, so that's why no matter how much frustration or heartaches faced, I have to eventually move on. Perhaps things might never go back to the way it was, but I'm glad I get to experience more in life—events that helped me grow.

I am sad, and yes I am still broken.
But count your blessings Dee, count your blessings.

It's been getting harder to wake up in the morning nowadays.. 

I need to get myself occupied with other thoughts and I think being around people helps, but yet I want to be by myself and not pull people down with my burden. It feels like a decision has to made soon, but it's uncertain. And this uncertainty is driving me insane.

light

It's not over yet, and it's tough. But despite my swollen eyes, I'm very blessed to feel the warmth and love from the many people who cares (and not mind how ugly and dishevelled I looked), no matter how simple—whether it's to offer a packet drink, a short text, anonymous messages, hugs and percy pigs.

I'm not strong enough yet and I still cry every now and then, but it definitely helped me to keep going.

Thank you :')

I find myself struggling and then getting back up again and the cycle continues.
I'm beginning to wonder if I truly bounced back everytime or merely just putting up a strong front only to see it crashing down the next.


Oh God what should I do :'/

Sighsighsighsighasighsighsighsighsighsighsigh

What a weekend 

SIGH

I wonder if you think of me as much as I do of you

Sigh 

God, I pray that You come and be the center of us both.

stay calm

God, give me the capacity and discipline that I really, really, desperately need in this period.

Help me to stay positive and cheerful despite the immensely overwhelming things of all kinds; help me to be still and know that with You, all things will work together for good.